1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction arrows.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move; a real LI driver never
uses them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody
else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal
pulsates. (For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your
legs).
7. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to
provide useful information, they are only there to make LI look
high-tech
and to distract you from seeing the State Police car parked behind the
grassy knoll.
8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.
9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
not enforceable during rush hour.
10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a LI driver, flashing his high beams behind
you, doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
11. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic ON LI.
12. ALWAYS slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire.
13. Learn to swerve abruptly. LI is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to our State Legislature, who put potholes in key
locations
to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
14. It is traditional on LI to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes.
15. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding; remember that the goal of every LI driver is to get
there first, by whatever means necessary.
17. Real LI women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
18. Real LI men drivers can remove panty hose and a bra at seventy-five
miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19. All LI drivers are required to use a cellular phone while driving.
It makes it easier to call 911 when they hit someone and the Police can
respond more quickly to block off 2 or more lanes of traffic
...especially
during rush hour.
20. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously
listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring the
economic
well-being of body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales. However,
snow
(no matter how light) constitutes a mandate to slow to 20 mph less than
the
speed necessary to deal with the condition. Ice, even if only patchy, is
considered reasonable excuse for not going to work and spending the day
shopping instead.
21. Gas will always be more expensive on LI because everyone's too busy
to care!
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