News: Santa Claus IS A Woman!
By: misspk	Published: 12/19/2004
I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the KMart bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed,desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitablyget lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened . . . having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless they're black and are attached to a garter belt. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year, unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
Related Links Thirsty? If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly Barbie's letter to Santa Embarrassing Moments: 'New Woman' Magazine Woman's Instruction Booklet Woman Sentenced For Breaking Into Brad Pitt's Home Memo From Santa Claus Woman Awakens From Coma, Has Twins Santa's Diversion Santa delivers Woman May Have Bitten Husband to Death? Woman Lands $700K In Bank SNAFU Ken's Letter To Santa How To Make A Woman Happy Woman Hit By Baseball Gets Millions Woman's Ultimate Fantasy Iranian Woman Gives Birth To A Frog Utah May Revoke Santa's Aviation Exemption Seducing Santa Woman Aims For Roach, Swallows Fork
More Rants...
Search     This Section

ARTICLE FORUM LIST
You must register to participate in this discussion.

Santa "CLAWS" is a Woman??? (0 replies) started by axel1 (01.02.2005 6:15:09 PM EST) HO-HO-HO.

that was great (0 replies) started by livetofall (12.25.2004 2:15:22 AM EST) your on it and now im hungry for venison merry xmas ;)

Glad I Checked This Post (0 replies) started by obxbeachbum (12.22.2004 0:17:59 AM EST) Most rants don't interest me much, but this one is amusing. I'm passing it on to my email freinds. Thanks for this one MissPK!

well (0 replies) started by bigjohn2 (12.20.2004 10:22:48 PM EST) its good to see a pk post

I'll go along w/ this... (0 replies) started by elwood (12.20.2004 8:46:07 AM EST) as long as she looks like Miss PK. I just hope she stays a little longer @ my house!

Tell ya what, PK... (1 reply)   started by jimbobiglotto (12.19.2004 11:10:50 PM EST) doubt it all you want, but I bet if you go to the mall and sit on the Jolly One's lap, you'll soon be poked from underneath quicker than you can say "and to all a good night!" what woman can pull THAT trick off?! I'd say more, but you'd use it against me when I run for office!

Goofball.com is not responsible for any content which individual users post. Goofball.com reserves the right to delete any content which it deems objectionable or in violation of any law or regulation.